It's All In The Name

When William Shakespeare wrote his "What's In A Name?" spiel, I don't think he had any idea how far from the truth that quote really was. Most people's names last them a lifetime -- a name change, sex change notwithstanding. What your parents name you, usually stays with you for a long long time, unless your new name (like Sting, Prince, Bono, Marilyn Monroe) catapults you to superstardom.

But what about the mere mortals who begrudgingly live their lives with a name they hesitate to announce? At work once, I was in the midst of releasing a whole lot of pages and screaming about deadlines when I got a call on the intercom. The caller told me he was waiting at the reception and had come to meet me on a common friend's recommendation. I muttered something to myself in irritation and went to meet him. A tall guy with charming dimples stretched out his hand to greet me. Nothing prepared me for what happened next. He said, "Hi, I'm Humpesh."

"Is this really happening?" I thought to myself, trying ever so hard not to make any eye contact. Just to make sure (and for an additional dose of cheap thrills, of course) I said: "Hi I'm Lakshmi... I'm sorry I didn't get your name."

He smiled, "Humpesh." What happened after that is one big blur. I deserve an Oscar for not laughing in his face, especially when he said, "I know I came at the wrong time... I must be such a pain in the ass." I really didn't laugh aloud, just went with the flow and said, "My pleasure."

I've encountered many such people whose parents evidently hated them and chose to mar them for their lives with such names. Yes the common ones like Rakshit, Hardik and Hardeep seem to be friends with a lot of people I know. Surnames like Brar and Chothia always evoke a snigger. There's another one I'm surprised to know is quite a common surname in India and a name in Europe: Lund. Just the thought that there's an entire family of Lund somewhere seems quite hard to swallow.

 

Over the years you master that gentle smile when you talk to these people; the smile that hides a tsunami of laughter. In most cases you succeed. A girl in my school was called Conception D'Souza. We never quite understood why her parents stated the obvious. But as kids it was hilarious when the teacher would call her, "Miss Conception."

As you grow older, you realise that names are a cultural thing. A swear word in one language is a compliment in another. I felt the same way at one stage, when I was trying to grow up rapidly. I know you get wise with age, but you also appreciate double entendres better. A hostel mate in Bangalore introduced herself as Choden. Choden means the devout or religious one in Tibet. For all my "getting wise" phase, I don't ever recall making eye contact with her subsequently when she said, "God, I'm so screwed."

Times they are a-changin'

You know times have changed when:

* There is an entire generation that hasn't heard of GoldSpot

* Mr Bean is just a cartoon on PoGo

* VH1 puts Westlife in their Classic section

* Che Guevara has progressed from T-shirts to coasters
 
 * You don't send e-cards anymore, you send champagne flutes and teddy bears on Facebook

* Google is a verb

* A mom knows what her child ate from his/her Tweet

* Emails ids are replaced by BB Pins

* Phantom cigarettes and Pickwick biscuits are no more than pages on Facebook

* You pick up a non-touchscreen phone and end up touching its screen to run a program

* You're back to listening to English music on radio in Bombay only on All-India Radio

* Wednesdays are the new Fridays which were the new Saturdays

* You can "poke" people even without touching them

* The last few times you used a pen were to sign bills

* For parents, same religion is no longer a marriage criteria, different gender is

* Tom Hanks is that Robert Langdon guy from Da Vinci Code while Bond is Daniel Craig

* People discover classic rock bands through Guitar Hero

* Moms know how to use Skype but still type www.hotmail.com in the Google search box

* You're surprised people still have rediffmail ids

* You check the time on your phone and not your wristwatch

* Ordering American Chopsuey is not so cool anymore

Women on top

A woman is a woman's worst enemy, I've heard. At the risk of annoying my species, I think it holds true and is in fact a good thing, especially if practised at the workplace. Here are four reasons why girl on girl (haha) increases productivity:

1. Women bosses are less likely to squirm when other women employees cry. Women cry all too easily and nobody better than another woman knows that. Men, worried as hell over sexual harassment at the workplace allegations, generally prefer to back off when a woman employee starts to bawl. But women, obviously privy to the functioning of the eye faucet, do not flinch. Well at least in most cases. Try crying after your boss yells at you over skipping a deadline or losing a stapler. A male boss would just throw his hands up and then sulk. A woman on the contrary will hand you tissue while STILL yelling at you.

2. I know too many male bosses who don't know how to deal with the "it's that time of the month" excuse. I also know too many female employees who use that excuse to slip out of work early. While there's no denying it can be awkward, having a female boss means keeping tabs on how often that excuse is used. Nobody has peddled MeftalSpas as much as female bosses have. Swallow the pill and get back to work.

3. A woman's natural instinct is God-gifted. Obviously a female boss can sense when an intra-office affair is in the offing. So what does she promptly do? (Especially if she isn't one of the involved parties) She thwarts it at every available opportunity. How is that even a good thing? Firstly, it cuts out gossip time. Secondly, the others won't witness temper tantrums or bear the burden of extra work thanks to some lovers spat.
 

4. A dominating woman (read boss) has the natural ability to bring another person's ego crashing to the ground. When you're devoid of ego, you start to take less offence to what's being said. In the process, women discover that they can have a sense of humour too and will in turn not sulk about every joke on female drivers. This new-found sense of humour makes you less angry with the world. Voila! You're a lot happier than you thought.